Daughter of Bast

So...

It's hard to talk about it yet again, since that's all I've been doing since Monday, but the pregnancy did not stick. I'm not going to bore you with a bunch of self-indulgent crap, but we will try again after taking a month off. And I'm sort of rather excited about the break. Which seems silly, I know, but it has been rather hard on my mind and body, so a month of rest will help. And, hey, now I can get utterly shit-faced on New Year's, right? lol!

Too Cryptic?

For those of you who found my last post too cryptic, lets try again. So far as I know, I am pregnant until further notice (or 9 more months go by). We got Dr. confirmation on Monday, and I have some followup testing tomorrow due to rather low progesterone levels. They gave my progesterone shot and pills to "take" so we're hoping that will solve the problem.

Basically, we have a bean. Hopefully soon a human bean, so please, please send all your good wishes, thoughts and prayers to us to keep this bean where it's at. Happily growing in mom.

As for mom, I have decided that I don't like progesterone shots (never really did) but combine it with my pg hormones it wasn't fun. BUT I will do what it takes to keep the bean in place. And it sort of doesn't feel real, but my newly heightened sense of smell thinks something stinks. (love that, BTW) So I have been alternately worried out of my mind, and completely happy. I think our wizard has (or will) arrive precisely when he/she means to. And I am super excited.

I can tell even the DH is a little excited. He is already trying to figure out ways to reconfigure our house so that the bean gets the best room in the house. Which is a really big deal since he has truly resisted losing his big office up until now, and since the room we had thought to put the bean in is too drafty, even with plastic on some of the windows. Now, getting him to actually MOVE all of it might be a little bit harder, but I think I will emphasize that the sooner we move it means that I can actually help, if he waits too long then I won't be able to. But we shall see...

A bit of a surprise...

Okay, so I was going to post a picture of this morning's test, because why wouldn't I post the good news? But for some damn reason I can't get the camera to focus right. Every last time I tried it was waayy out of focus and I changed the settings a ton and got no where. So...two pink lines this morning, and we're quite cautiously optimistic. I must call the Dr.'s office first thing and probably have a beta. Hrm. Can't wait. Whew! Alternately excited and scared. So stick little bean(s), stick!

Followup...

Today I have an ultrasound to verify status of my crazy ovary. The sad thing? I am about a week too soon to be able to see on screen if I might already be pg.  I don't really hold out hope this time. I mean, yeah, it could happen, but the chances are slim and somehow I can't believe it right now.

As my mother suggested, maybe we will take a break. It sort of depends on what my doctor says, but I don't suppose a break could hurt. I would not mind not having to deal with the clomid this month. And I am frankly a little shell-shocked after this bad cycle (bad as in painful, and not ideal). So this afternoon we shall see what is going on in there.

A glimmer of hope...

Did a little "official" research online. lol! Found out that there is a good chance I have a corpus luteum cyst. Which means that I possibly did release the egg. Yay! After calling my doctor's office, I found out that the wand monkey thought perhaps my cyst had blood in it, which sounds so much more like a corpus luteum cyst than the follicular cyst which wouldn't have released an egg. So a possible yay. Combine that with my fortune cookie from thursday the "No obstacles will stand in the way of your success this month," I suppose things could be possible.  The fun thing about this cycle? I am supposed to call them on day 32 of my cycle instead of day 35, which just happens to be a Sunday. And while I can't call the doctor's office until Monday morning, I can test. Whee! In fact, I felt the familiar testing itch over the weekend, but I managed to control myself. See, I can be good. Occasionally.

How yesterday sucked beyond the telling...

I was sort of excited to go to the ultrasound, but I figured it was a waste of time. I responded, of course I responded to the hcg shot. Right, until the wand monkey shows me the huge grapefruit that my left ovary has become. Which now presents several problems. A) When/if it blows it's going to hurt like a mother effer (in fact, they already gave me an RX for some serious pain med), B) If it doesn't blow, it may or may not go away when/if I get my period, which sets me up for another ultrasound to check that out, C)If it continues to grow I am a candidate for surgery to remove the cyst and D) If it doesn't go away but hasn't grown in size I am going right back on the birth control to tamp down my ovaries for a month and take a break only to start over again after that.

SO, thinking I could be blase about it all, I took the Rx in and told them I wasn't going to pick it up until today (fool that I am) and somewhere about 9pm I was all of a sudden in so much pain it wasn't even funny, like bent over bawling my eyes out pain. My husband (sweet man that he is) called the pharmacy and went to go get the pain med and by the time he got back it was down to a dull ache. It would come in waves that I thought might kill me. What I think it was? Gas, moving around and pressing on the ovary causing big bad pain. In any case, the pain med was my friend and I knew nothing until 3:00 a.m. when I woke up and discovered that I wasn't hurting. Thankfully.

My favorite part? I feel hung over this morning. Really hung over, but without the headache. So that is going to make my day really fun. Okay, no more bitching at the internets. Sorry guys.

2 dpo (or 3 dpo or 4 dpo) depending on how you count...

Symptoms today...(the first I've had yet) Soreness in my (or is it on my) pubic bone, but only when I am in certain positions. Like the movement from sitting to standing, or standing to sitting. Momentary pain, but enough to make me grimace. Weird and unusual, yes. Ever felt anything like it before? Well maybe if you count the pain you can occasionally feel whilst baby dancing when your cervix feels like it's being poked.  (apologies for any visual graphic-ness caused). That, and this afternoon at around 2:30 I was a leetle light-headed and am now nauseous (about a half an hour later).

Could be lots of stuff. Could be. But here it is, regardless.

To be or not to be...

If you'll forgive my use of Shakepeare a minute. lol! I thought I would update everyone. So here we are, on basically day 2 of the long wait to December 12th. Or as the ttc people would say, (and this is what sucks, due to a window that could be as short as 12 hours or as long as 40 hours after the hcg shot) I am now (and I am just going to call the 40 hours as the last possible moment when I could have ovulated as the day I ovulated) Umm Hmm. Okay, I am now 1 dpo (day past ovulation).

And while I am a natural obsessive about my body (Virgos tend to be, don'tchaknow, that and my tendency to overorganize are my only two BIG virgo traits, the rest of me is straight Libra, being a cusp baby, I get the priviledge) this time I am strangely much less worried. That of course doesn't mean I won't be watching every symptom I have like a hawk between now and the 12th. But I am comfortable with the outcome either way. While I would hate to have to pay for another round of clomid, et al, it wouldn't kill me. This time it wasn't quite such a struggle for the scheduled bd-ing. I, in fact, quite enjoyed myself this time. Rawr!

So I guess I could say that I am more relaxed, and according to the so called Pregnancy "experts" (meaning everyone you speak with about this unless they struggled with infertility at all) say that you just need to relax.  While I do think that "just relaxing" is a load of bunk, I am not quite so cranked up with anticipation this time. As I told my best friend, I'm open to whichever way this goes, I would just prefer to have my babies one at a time, thanks. And my husband would kill me for even suggesting that I might be open to more than one, period. But hey, just because twins are harder for us doesn't mean I wouldn't take them if that's what the universe was dishing out. Ya know?

Hourly Catharsis...

I was trying to figure out what word most accurately described the crazy that I am today, when I double checked Catharsis and was a little surprised at how the word was originally used...heh.

Using the term 'catharsis' to refer to a form of emotional cleansing was first done by the Greek philosopher Aristotle in his work Poetics. It refers to the sensation, or literary effect, that would ideally overcome an audience upon finishing watching a tragedy (a release of pent-up emotion or energy). In his previous works, he used the term in its medical sense (usually referring to the evacuation of the 'katamenia', the menstrual fluid or other reproductive material). Because of this, F. L. Lucas maintains that catharsis cannot be properly translated as purification or cleansing, but only as purgation. Since before Poetics catharsis was purely a medical term, Aristotle is employing it as a medical metaphor. "It is the human soul that is purged of its excessive passions."...

Since I am riding the Clomid wave today, and instead of making me manic (which I kind of miss by the way), it has caused a bit of the weepies. Right. So Julie's post about her grandfather choked me up. See, aren't you glad you aren't hanging out in my hormone pool today?

Back in the stirrups again...

So...I thought I would have a bit of a nice wind down from this cycle, a little date with a progesterone shot and 1-2 weeks later we would be ready to start again. Well, my body says to me, Oh, I can do this and starts without the progesterone shot. So here we go again, with a much different drug cocktail then before. A little more clomid, some progesterone, a little femtrace and more dates with a wand. Wow, so just in case Cycle 1 didn't make me crazy, this really might.

Perseverance is key, right? End goal, think end goal. In the mean time, maybe I'll get the house painted or the floors refinished. Who knows? But my husband might need a sedative to get through it all. That way I can yell and he won't hear it.